Frustration

Every so often, when I’m alone, I get struck by a strong urge to be creative, to the point where I feel uncomfortable.

I don’t like this feeling, not just for the discomfort but for my lack of ability to handle it.

The fact I’ve grown to not enjoy this feeling annoys me. I should be able to think “Oh I’m feeling creative, I’ll work on a project or put some time into something that satisfies that itch” but the I can never quite find something.

Whenever I try to get started on something that feels like it’s going to satisfy that itch I usually quickly feel overwhelmed, I’ll get stuck on a problem and rapidly demotivated, often because it’s the end of a day at work and I’m tired and my brain just feels slow. Even after a few attempts at finding an outlet the itch doesn’t go away, so I end up bouncing around doing nothing in particular until I’m too tired to really care at which point I usually cave to TV.

It’s depressing to acknowledge this habit, another uncomfortable feeling, it’s even more unpleasant to have the thought that I’m publishing it on a public platform, but the hope that there’s someone else around who has the same feeling raises my spirits. Please, if you do share this burning desire to do something, to produce something, have you managed to conquered it?

This feeling, when it arrives, fills up my life, quite literally often as I’ll end up downloading random open source projects or even trying to start new ones. I’m writing this now purely as a vent to direct this odd energy somewhere so it doesn’t feel botled up, compressed within me to a near painful degree, like a near upset stomach when you’re queing for a rollercoaster.

I’m still yet to figure out what exact combination of factors bring on this mood, it’s often at night when I’m being antisocial, althought occasionally I’ve experienced it elsewhere but rarely with others. Is it perhaps an indicator that I didn’t produce much that day.

Writing seems to help, I guess it’s easy enough to do that, as it isn’t hamstrung by my almost intrinsic laziness at this hour of the day.

Althoughg as I slowly begin to feel myself running out of things to say about this topic I feel an anxiety creeping back, a worry that I won’t be able to find another task and will be left with the feeling, the wrestless energy at yet again, no outlet.

I wonder, if it is worth writing this into the void, I know a few people who might read it, I’m sure they might be interested to learn something I’ve never really expressed, I wonder again if they might offer a solution.

Editing this post I feel that it has helped, the discomfort has subsided, replaced by a content exhaustion, a feeling that maybe this time I did achieve something. While these thoughts cross my mind the anxiety that when this next strikes I might not have the same outlet seems to undo my lethargic contentment.